I’m trying to figure out how I’m feeling today. I think I’m fine. But at moments I think maybe not. But not that I’m not fine, just not quite normal. But that’s just the day, I think.
This is why I’m so ambivalent.
Today would have been my 20th anniversary if my husband and I had stayed together. We have been separated for two and a half years now but dates like this one have a way of staying in my consciousness whether I want them to or not. And so there it is… floating around my head… June 10th… 20th Anniversary…. Ooooh.
When I was living with my husband he used to joke that if we were still together on our 20th (note the “if” even back then) we should either renew our vows or get divorced (in literary terms, I believe this is called foreshadowing… ha!). I have not submitted divorce papers and to the best of my knowledge neither has he, but the day isn’t over yet.
So I guess I am wondering if I should be feeling worse than I do? Or better? I’m really feeling nothing more than a sense of awareness, certainly with an underlying note of sadness. But not regret. And I suppose that is why I’m not worse off than I thought I might be as this date came closer and closer.
Honestly, I’m feeling worse about posting this round-in-circles blog that really confirmed nothing more than my own confusion.
Maybe I’ll go do something decisive… That will make me feel better. I will… I will….
I will take myself out for dinner and cocktails and celebrate today for what it is now, not what it once was.
This is why I’m so ambivalent.
Today would have been my 20th anniversary if my husband and I had stayed together. We have been separated for two and a half years now but dates like this one have a way of staying in my consciousness whether I want them to or not. And so there it is… floating around my head… June 10th… 20th Anniversary…. Ooooh.
When I was living with my husband he used to joke that if we were still together on our 20th (note the “if” even back then) we should either renew our vows or get divorced (in literary terms, I believe this is called foreshadowing… ha!). I have not submitted divorce papers and to the best of my knowledge neither has he, but the day isn’t over yet.
So I guess I am wondering if I should be feeling worse than I do? Or better? I’m really feeling nothing more than a sense of awareness, certainly with an underlying note of sadness. But not regret. And I suppose that is why I’m not worse off than I thought I might be as this date came closer and closer.
Honestly, I’m feeling worse about posting this round-in-circles blog that really confirmed nothing more than my own confusion.
Maybe I’ll go do something decisive… That will make me feel better. I will… I will….
I will take myself out for dinner and cocktails and celebrate today for what it is now, not what it once was.
3 comments:
Hope dinner and cocktails were cathartic!
Thanks, Dave... I wouldn't say it was cathartic, but it was relaxing and fun and delicious so I'm all good with that!!
Hugs!!
Sally!, Sally Littell....can't believe I've found you...it's me Sandra (Brown)
I've been reading your blog and as always I am amazed at the woman I came to know when I lived in Brantford. Much has changed...both for you and me. Like you...I am single...after 26 years of married life!. In reading your posts I can only say...I know, I understand...what courage it must have taken to make the decision you made...not any easy one for sure.
Although I've only come across the picure of Parker - whatever happened to that fair haired little boy - I remember sitting with you at your kitchen table the night before he was born- timing contractions - where has that time gone?
Kevin and Jen are both living in Toronto, and I moved here five years ago after both my Mom and Dad passed away. As a matter of fact...Kevin & his girlfriend own their own home just up the street from me and Jen bought a house last summer only three blocks away....I of course, am thrilled that they live so close. They both have great jobs and have done well since leaving university. Jen went back to school and did her Masters in Psychology and is working downtown at Princess Margaret Hospital. She too is single after leaving an 11 year relationship but for the most part happy.
After PB left I went back to school (Mohawk) and took the Legal assistant program and am now working here at a law firm in North York.
Anyway Girl, so good to see you (if not in person). If you see this look at my facebook profile - search as Sandra Rutter Brown...Pics of K & J on there.
take care
Sandra
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