I’m trying to figure out how I’m feeling today. I think I’m fine. But at moments I think maybe not. But not that I’m not fine, just not quite normal. But that’s just the day, I think.
This is why I’m so ambivalent.
Today would have been my 20th anniversary if my husband and I had stayed together. We have been separated for two and a half years now but dates like this one have a way of staying in my consciousness whether I want them to or not. And so there it is… floating around my head… June 10th… 20th Anniversary…. Ooooh.
When I was living with my husband he used to joke that if we were still together on our 20th (note the “if” even back then) we should either renew our vows or get divorced (in literary terms, I believe this is called foreshadowing… ha!). I have not submitted divorce papers and to the best of my knowledge neither has he, but the day isn’t over yet.
So I guess I am wondering if I should be feeling worse than I do? Or better? I’m really feeling nothing more than a sense of awareness, certainly with an underlying note of sadness. But not regret. And I suppose that is why I’m not worse off than I thought I might be as this date came closer and closer.
Honestly, I’m feeling worse about posting this round-in-circles blog that really confirmed nothing more than my own confusion.
Maybe I’ll go do something decisive… That will make me feel better. I will… I will….
I will take myself out for dinner and cocktails and celebrate today for what it is now, not what it once was.
This is why I’m so ambivalent.
Today would have been my 20th anniversary if my husband and I had stayed together. We have been separated for two and a half years now but dates like this one have a way of staying in my consciousness whether I want them to or not. And so there it is… floating around my head… June 10th… 20th Anniversary…. Ooooh.
When I was living with my husband he used to joke that if we were still together on our 20th (note the “if” even back then) we should either renew our vows or get divorced (in literary terms, I believe this is called foreshadowing… ha!). I have not submitted divorce papers and to the best of my knowledge neither has he, but the day isn’t over yet.
So I guess I am wondering if I should be feeling worse than I do? Or better? I’m really feeling nothing more than a sense of awareness, certainly with an underlying note of sadness. But not regret. And I suppose that is why I’m not worse off than I thought I might be as this date came closer and closer.
Honestly, I’m feeling worse about posting this round-in-circles blog that really confirmed nothing more than my own confusion.
Maybe I’ll go do something decisive… That will make me feel better. I will… I will….
I will take myself out for dinner and cocktails and celebrate today for what it is now, not what it once was.
