I Grieve

Have you ever felt so confused that it seems you just aren't sure which way is up?

I am a former SCUBA diver (haven't been in more than a decade but I have some pretty cool shots, I think) and I remember when I was learning how to dive I was told if I ever get disoriented, watch the directions of the bubbles escaping my mask and they will point me to the way home. That lesson and the related analogies that I have used over the years has served me well. Until now.

I feel very off kilter. I can't for the life of me, find the bubbles to show me the way to the surface. And until I can do that, I have a fear of drowning, suffocating for lack of oxygen right here where I'm at... which is not a great place by any means.

I heard a great line in one of my favourite songs the other day... The song is "I Grieve" by Peter Gabriel and I have always loved it for its haunting beauty and honesty of message. Give it a listen some day.

But at the very end of the song is a line, a line that until this week I had missed (yet again, that funny thing karma gives you messages when you need to hear them I guess)... Peter sings:

"Did I dream this belief or did I believe this dream?"

That's where I'm at right now. I am thinking the things that I had convinced myself were true were really just pretty pictures I had painted for myself to accept what I wasn't ready to face. That the reality I have spent ages wanting is really just a figment of my imagination.

So here I am trying to face this reality that I have spent ages convincing myself didn't exist. It's a scary thing. A lonely thing.

But I will find relief. I grieve.