Free Hugs

I am a hugger... I am fine in admitting that fact. I don't know when I became a hugger (probably right around the birth of my oldest boy, come to think of it) but I've been one for as long as I can remember now. Not a tree-hugger either (well, it's not that I'm not a tree-hugger, it's just that trees are not on the top of my hug list). I'm a people hugger.

In being a hugger, there are certain precautions one must take because not all people are huggers like me.

First of course, it's rarely appropriate to hug at the office although I have to admit, I have worked in my present job long enough, feel like I know and like my co-workers well enough that I have to remind myself not to hug when I see them in the office.

Second, as I mentioned not everyone is a hugger and it's important to respect others' boundaries above all. I learned during my work at the Women's Centre that hugs are not always welcome and they can in fact trigger some pretty awful, primal responses over which the recipient has no control. I am so lucky that I am not restricted by the pain unwanted touch causes a person but I am aware of its impact and respectful of the pain it causes in others. What I also learned at the Centre though is that it is perfectly fine to let a person who you know is in pain know that you are available to give hugs as often as wanted, one only needs to ask.

But when it comes right down to it, I'm a hugger... unabashed and unashamed. I am a true believer in the power of positive human contact. I know that when I give or receive a hug, I feel better, happier, lighter. There seems to be an exchange of happiness between people that at the same times leaves less room for troubles or worries and so they go... if only for a moment. And sometimes, even just a moment of less worry, pain, concern is a blessing.

So just so you know... when you need a hug, I'm here. Virtually if not in person.

Hugs to you all

*See the great Free Hug campaign commercial here....

Friends on Bikes

This morning I was aroused from my slumber by the sound of hogs… of the Harley Davidson variety.

Today is Friday the 13th and around these parts that can mean only one thing… No it’s not a foreboding of trouble to come, a call to stay away from work or remain indoors out of fear of something bad happening. No, around here it’s a call to Port Dover, especially, particularly if you have a motorcycle.

Really, Friday the 13th is created for and by bikers, the rest of the folks attending are just crashing their party. And let me tell you, this is no small party. There are a precious few Fridays the 13th in any given year and this event is held rain or shine, spring, summer, fall or winter. This year we have only one such Friday and it is today, what is starting out as a beautiful sunshiny day. Granted, there is some rain predicted for later but that will do nothing to quell the spirits or dampen the enthusiasm I am sure. From what I can tell, bikers are a lot tougher than that.

I have known three bikers in my life (that I am aware of anyway). Right now I work with one, Cam, a wonderful guy who I am happy to call a friend. He has a slick Honda motorcycle that reflects his personality perfectly. It’s a shiny bright blue machine that looks like it goes way faster than should ever be allowed. It’s sharp and so is its owner so they are perfectly matched I think. As far as I know Cam and his bike are probably on the road to Port Dover as I am typing this.

Then there is Mike… Mike on a Bike as we affectionately called him. Mike used to live next door where I used to live (follow me?) and he was new to motorcycle ownership. Words can’t describe the pride in his face the day he brought home his new hog. He was thrilled. It wasn’t a big bike but it was his and it looked good. He took me out for a ride on the back once, around town and out in the country. I decided then and there that I am not a Bike Bitch unless it’s one of those big comfy ones with really padded seats. I couldn’t walk properly for hours after my butt hurt so bad from the bumps on the road. Besides, I always prefer to be in the driver’s seat anyway.

And then there was Grizzly, Griz for those who know him well and I would never presume myself to be one of them. Grizzly is actually Mike on a Bike’s father-in-law and the most remarkable character you could imagine when sitting atop his bike. He has a three-wheeler (he would kill me I’m sure if he ever read this because I’m sure there has to be a cooler way of putting this but that’s what it is… it’s a three-wheeler!!) and he sits low to the ground with his arms up in the air grasping the handlebars. Grizzly wears only black and his ZZ Top beard hangs down and blows back in the wind has he roars along the open road. I have said barely 10 words to Grizzly in my life and all with my eyes lowered in deferential respect. Grizzly scares me just a little bit but has given no reason to draw this emotion out of me other than his imposing façade.

So as our little neighbour town swells from its normal 6,000 population to the anticipated 150,000 today (I told you it was big), I’m sure there will be lots of Cam’s and Mike’s and Grizzly’s (well, there’s only one Grizzly) and I hope they have a fantastic day and an Arbor Dog or two.

Me, I’m more of a Vespa kinda gal.

We Will Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Programming...

I am having technical difficulties...

A few weeks ago I dropped my BlackBerry in a puddle. It goes without saying that my BlackBerry didn't like that and rebelled in the most interesting and annoying ways. It would jump into the telephone screen without prompting, the screen would come on and stay on until the battery drained down, it wouldn't put spaces in my emails or texts (bless my friends for.tollerating.two.straight.weeks.of.conversations.that.looked.like.this.all.the.time...).

It dried out right around the time we had a near tornado (well, it sure felt like it) in my neighbourhood pouring buckets of water through my open living room window and onto my computer. That took another couple of days to dry out. (I would add a photograph here to show you how extreme the weather was but read on to technical difficulty number three and you'll see why I didn't)

Now, with my computer up and running and my BlackBerry with spaces a-plenty, my internet and cable have gone out in my apartment.

I do a fair amount of work at home at night that requires me to use the internet and without the addition of this ridiculous inconvenience, my work is sucking right now. Huge. I am trying and trying and getting nowhere fast in the biggest month of our year. My boss is on me relentlessly about my lack of success making me more miserable than I would normally be about the situation.

And so I am reduced to doing my on-line work at my local cafe that has wi-fi then the rest at home later... Of course having said that, I should be working right now but look what I am doing...

I find when I feel bombarded by coincidences like this, events over which I have little or no control but which have defined and sometimes profound impact on my day-to-day existence, it's easy to get dragged down by the undertow of problems. And I admit, I am certainly more sensitive to the pokes and jabs that I get these days... And I'm getting plenty of them too...

But what is making a far greater impact, what is helping me glide through this turmoil feeling relatively unscathed is the support and kindness of the people around me. Even as I am writing this, I received a text from a co-worker reminding me that my colleagues all know how hard I am working and don't let the boss get me down. Such a simple thing but that is exactly what allows me to get back up tomorrow and face the day with genuine optimism and hope.

And an umbrella just in case.

SATC.... WTF???

I apologize in advance to my male readers (I know you’re out there, we’ve spoken… don’t be shy). This blog entry may, at first glance seem more relevant to my female readers but hopefully you will carry on for the few minutes to see if there isn’t something in here you can relate to…

Last night I went to see the “Sex and the City” movie with my girlfriends. Before you anxiously jump ahead in the hopes of a spoiler or stop reading entirely in fear of one, I assure you… no such reveal is forthcoming.

The theatre was not even one-quarter full and of the few seats that were occupied only five men, to my best count, were in them. I admit it, no big surprise there. And in surveying the few men joining us, it was my estimation they were on maybe a second date… third or fourth tops. And they frequently got up to get drinks, go to the washroom, anything to ease their own pain. Good on you, guys. “A” for effort. Having said that, my girlfriends and I were anxious to see what the next chapter for Carrie and the girls held. What’s next?

As I said before, I will reveal none of what happens to the gals in this two and a half hour dramedy but I will tell you this… Samantha celebrates her 50^th birthday. Fifty. How on earth did that happen? The problem with joining our old friends four years later is that they, like all of us, have gotten older. And I’m not sure I liked that part.

I know we all are aging. I sure know I am… As I sit here with my glasses on so I can actually read what I am writing, I know very well I am getting older. I know it every time I tell people how old my “children” are… 17, 19 and 24. How did that happen?

But as I sat in the theatre and the lights dimmed, I was unprepared for the fact that while I was getting older in reality so too were my SATC friends in the fantasy world Hollywood had created for them. Their problems reflected my own and those of my friends. There was no sense of escapism in this story on this night (with, I admit, the notable exception of the fashion… oh my goodness the fashion!!).

We are at this point in our lives (speaking for myself really but I’ll lump you in with me if you don’t mind) who we are going to be. There can always of course, be twists and turns… in fact you can usually count on it. We can chose different paths and accept or reject what we have built for ourselves but our selves, I think, are defined. And in that definition comes the clarity of what you can and cannot allow for yourself. And in that clarity and surety of self comes the ability to accept nothing less.

But that’s just me thinking.

So, I’m not sure what to do with all that. Probably nothing at all. Maybe later on today I’ll mix myself a cosmopolitan and think some more… In my highest of high heels…

In the Hope for Better Days

These are strange days it seems.

For a while now I’ve been commenting on how off-centre I’ve been feeling; describing my struggle to find a sense of balance where I wasn’t constantly feeling so lost and alone.

Coincidentally, I also noticed my new wayward duck neighbour who is still delighting me with his presence (no sign of friends or partners for my poor feathered friend I’m afraid, though). But although it seems all of this is unrelated and arbitrary, I am finding further evidence that this is not the case.

There seems to be some sort of cosmic misalignment happening. Or maybe a cosmic realignment. Who knows?

This is what else is contributing to my theory… Very recently three friends of mine have announced endings of significant relationships. Marriages for some and long-term partnerships for others. Now, by no means am I suggesting that any of these developments are the absolute conclusion of the relationship involved, but it is certainly the status currently. Also, I have other friends facing other personal challenges and difficulties that are wearing at their abilities to be optimistic and see any hope for a brighter day coming.

And my heart aches for all of them. Having gone through this agonizing exercise of ending a relationship, to my own conclusion which was right for me, I empathize with their senses of loss and being lost. It saddens me to witness any of my friends going through such challenging times, however they have found themselves there and from wherever the source. It is hugely frustrating to know there is nothing that can be done to ease their pain.

But I have faith that each of them will find their own way; do what is needed to take care of everyone involved. I know that this road is not always an easy one and I will let them know I am here to walk beside them if they need company.

And I will tell them what I believe to be true… each of them is deserving of happiness and although it may not seem evident right now, that happiness will come. Brighter days are on their way. I will be here for those days too, to laugh in the sunshine and be grateful for the end of the storm.

Saying Goodbye

Today was the last day of work for one of my colleagues at my office. He has been with our company for over seven years and has worked the last two in sales, specifically out of the office I have been at since my start with the company a year ago. In that time together, we have competed twice for the same promotion, once with neither of us succeeding and once with him succeeding. Both times we went into the process wishing each other luck and honestly truly meaning it. I could not have been happier for him when he was given this last promotion and we went out and celebrated together.

He is my buddy. He is the guy I can go to when I have no idea what I am doing (which is frighteningly often) and know he is going to have good advice. He is the guy who always has a positive word to share with me. He has great insight into business and specifically the business we are in.

He also a remarkably entertaining collection of stories; stories that, if you didn't know better would have you swearing that they came from some sit-com that you saw once years ago. If something unique or unusual is going to happen to someone, it's going to happen to him and he will share the story with anyone inclined to listen... and they will be the lucky one receiving the gift of the tale. I can't count the number of times we have all sat around listening to him regale us with an adventure (often turning quickly into a misadventure) while all of us were holding our sides, tears coming to our eyes from laughing so hard.

But my friend ended his career at my company today and I am sad. I could always count on him to second my nomination of hotdogs for lunch. Always. And that's saying something because I can eat hotdogs for lunch with freakish regularity.

We went out for hotdogs one last time yesterday and beers last night to say goodbye. The whole sales team joined in the cocktail hour and we all made our notations of what we will miss most about him.

I miss him already but I'm pretty sure I'll see him at the hotdog stand once in a while. In fact, I'll make sure of it! Good friendships are too precious to let slide away.

Ferris Wheels and Memories

The funniest thing happened today (not on the way to the forum but funny none-the-less). I was updating my status on Facebook (a happy little task I can perform from my cell phone which gives me no end of pleasure as I get comments and responses from my assortment of Facebook friends) with what, I thought was a unique comment on what I was doing.

If there is anyone out there... anyone at all, who is not aware of how Facebook works, in addition to accumulating friends, applications, groups, fans, messages, pokes as well as countless other seemingly unrelated pieces of information or detail which, when pieced together, weave an interesting portrait of who you are, you can also update your status. It is a short, one-line sentence which lets your friends and observers know what you're up to.

My update went like this:

Sally is... wondering if she can justify riding the ferris wheel all afternoon.

I thought nothing more about it.

If you are wondering why I was wondering such an odd thing on a Tuesday afternoon, I was delightfully surprised to find, right in the middle of my territory, a mini-carnival set up in a mall parking lot. Complete with, amongst many other enticements, candy floss and the aforementioned ferris wheel.

And as I said, once I posted the status update I gave it no more thought. It wasn't long however, before I got my first response questioning a ferris wheel in the middle of the day in the middle of an urban core. Then another. Mid-way through my afternoon, the best question of all came through my in-box.

What's a ferris wheel?

Before you read any further, I challenge you to, off the top of your head, define a ferris wheel. To someone who lives in Sweden. Without speaking Swedish.

Some of the biggest delights I have with my Facebook profile are the new connections I have been fortunate to make with people all over this earth. I have new friends in the UK, Venezuela, Egypt, Denmark, Poland, Norway, South Africa, Germany as well as dotting the United States and my beloved Canada. What a wonderful thing that is! I am blessed with friendships I can't imagine having forged otherwise. And I am blessed to have someone to talk to at just about any hour of the day or night (no small miracle for someone who spends countless hours awake and alone like I do).

And so my challenge of the day was to define a ferris wheel to my Swedish friend. I could use none of the descriptions that immediately came to mind; the place where Danny S. kissed me and I fell hopelessly for him when I was 15 years old... the best place in the world to see the view of the Woodstock Fair... the place where I had to bury my oldest son's face deep in my coat to stop him from screaming when he was a tiny boy, while we rode for what seemed an eternity. So many memories and none would translate.

I muddled through I think, with a lame attempt at describing it visually and making some reference to the Eye of London (it is called the Eye isn't it... if not that would explain why I haven't heard back from my friend).

But I challenge you to come up with your own best ferris wheel memory. I bet you have some that will bring a smile to your face... as mine did to me.

Filling the Void

I have been living alone for two years now (I know, I’ve told you this before but I live in the hope that someone new is visiting here all the time) and in that time I have gone through a process of growth and grieving (in no particular order). A new friend of mine likened it to when his father passed away and I believe him to be right… a separation, the ending of a relationship, especially one that has spanned many years (and this one lasted 18, which for me is really really long) is the death of a lot of things, not the least of which is a part of who you were.

No matter what kind of relationship we are talking about, be it parent/child, siblings, friends, lovers or partners I believe we are, when we are with that person, someone unlike who we are with others. I believe, especially in a particularly close relationship such as partner/spouse/lover, you can be someone who you dare not around others. For better or worse. And when that relationship ends, that part of you, that aspect of your being, has no place to be. So what to do?

I have been trying to adjust to this new reality and I have come to terms with one thing. I have accepted the possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone. My children are grown and it is my blessing that they have each become strong, stable, kind, brave men who are venturing out on their own great adventures. I have no interest in dating… just the thought of it draws a reaction in me somewhere between goofy amusement at the ridiculousness of it and pure aversion to its possibility. It, quite simply, doesn’t feel right. Not even a little bit.

Now, don’t get me wrong… there are aspects of a long-lasting, committed relationship that I dearly miss; having someone to smile at you when you walk in the door at home at the end of your day, that moment of bliss on a weekend morning when you realize that you don’t need to get up to do anything and can instead roll back over into the warmth and support of the person beside you, having someone there… all the time… when you don’t need them just as much as when you do. I miss each of those things. And I would love nothing more to have them back but I can't go on day-to-day hoping for that wish to come true because if it doesn't, that is an enormous amount of wasted energy and a sad disappointment to face at the end of my days.

So my question is, how do you fill up the void? I have wonderful friends, amazing friends really. And I love each of them for their own unique qualities as well as for the qualities they bring out in me. But there remains that empty space that sits… quietly. Deafeningly quiet sometimes. How does one go about filling that up? Self-discovery and enrichment? Yes. Activity? Hobbies? Busy-ness? I guess so but I have to admit that seems a little shallow in comparison.

I guess, at this moment in time I’m just really not sure. And that’s ok too, I suppose. But if I figure it out, I’ll let you know.

Saturday Night Perfection...

So, after my less-than-fun Friday night experience (and here's a word to the wise, chips & dip at 10:00 at night after a couple of cosmopolitans is, generally speaking, a bad idea... a word to the wise because I know you were thinking of going down that exact path as we speak), I have been blessed to have a purely enjoyable Saturday night.

Now, before you get all excited, or even worse, titillated, I went to my friends' home for dinner (with their two delightful children). It actually started with just dropping by for a quick drink with my girlfriend while she enjoyed some precious quiet alone time while everyone was out of the house (which, as a blessing in itself, made me remember how much I looked forward to those quiet moments I now take for granted day-to-day)... We had a glass of wine, chatted about nothing and everything at the exact same time and I found myself being able to be so present in the moment of happiness it felt like I was actually able to slow down time to really relish every moment.

Before too long, her family came home, bit by bit. Her sweet little boy who makes me miss and love my boys so much it hurts while at the same time laugh with pure happiness in his gleeful boy-ness, and then her husband and daughter.

We enjoyed a magificent dinner (not a plastic, microwavable tray to be found), some delicious wine and conversation that started with this charming little boy announcing "I could eat so much of this salmon and not even barf." Could life get more perfect than that? Not today.

I am blessed.

Friday Night Gone Amok

Honestly.

I have just come home, on a Friday night, after going out for what I had hoped was a relaxing dinner and maybe a couple of drinks. That is my fantasy... here is the reality of what happened...

I went to my favourite local restaurant/bar. It is a great spot for a few reasons; it's fun (the owners are engaging, entertaining and make you feel like you are joining them for a drink in their livingroom), it's small so you don't get overwhelmed with sounds or people and it's hip. Very cool, fantastic music, amazing menu and wonderful clientèle. In the past, I have felt that I could go and just hang alone at the bar, maybe order dinner, maybe just a cocktail and enjoy the atmosphere that surrounded me.

I haven't been going much lately and tonight is the perfect example of why not...

I went in because (as I have discussed already) I didn't feel like cooking for one tonight. And as I have also said, they have an amazing menu; I can honestly say I've never had a meal there that I haven't finished with the phrase "this is my new favourite dish here." It's just that good.

But tonight, I sauntered in looking forward to dinner and a cosmopolitan, grabbed a seat and was immediately made aware that my peaceful plans for my Friday dinner were about to go terribly array. An old acquaintance approached me and started up a conversation.

Now, the city that I call home has a very interesting dynamic that I should share in order for this story to convey the appropriate level of discomfort... I have lived here for over 25 years now and I am regularly reminded that I am not "from here." I love my home... Love It! But it is similar to the maritime provinces of my beloved country in that, if you weren't born here, you're not from here. I have had that conversation with many Brantford imports over the years and have heard the same reaction over and over. Weird.

The natural by-product of that kind of close-knit community is that everyone knows everyone, their history, their family tree, who you went to school with, what you wore at graduation and your pet peeves as quoted in the yearbook. So, here I was, on my hoping-to-be-quiet Friday night facing a conversation with an individual who had immediate connections to:

My ex-husband
Past political campaigns I have worked on
Current friends whom I hold dear...

Add to that, he had just broken up with his fiance. You can imagine my hell. Or can you? Trust me... it was hell.

So, in an attempt to make an already-long story short, I had no dinner. I ordered my drink but not dinner (why prolong the agony?) and then one more and came home.

As I left, the owner came up to me and in the sweetest way possible said "I understand why we don't see you as much." No kidding.

Chips and dip for dinner again. Geez.

Thanks for listening... As I've said before, it's always nice to have someone to talk to.

Across the universe

I believe in goodness. I really do.

In my life I have faced my share of bad times... worse than some but certainly not as bad stories I have heard from others. I have been privileged by being entrusted with heartbreaking recollections from people who have shown more strength in overcoming their pasts than I can ever imagine possessing. Human beings' capacity for committing horrors upon its own kind and those with which we share this earth is both frightening and discouraging.

And yet, despite all that, I am hopeful. I believe in goodness. And I'll tell you why (what did you expect? This is a blog after all).

I have, as you may have read, been experiencing some difficulty coping lately. It comes and goes, but lately it has felt particularly debilitating. I'm sure there are a number of reasons for that but how I got here isn't what I want to focus on. What I want to talk about, what has amazed me, and what will give me the strength to know I will emerge and be just fine is what has happened as I have shared my struggle.

I am a Facebook-er. Love it. Have fun all the time and visit multiple times most days. Among the many applications you can add to your profile is one called Give Good Karma. It's a simple little notion, get good given to you and share it... pay it forward. When I was feeling particularly low, lonely, lost... I indicated that I needed some good karma (a very nice little bonus that the creators of the application added that coincidently I hadn't noticed until, go figure, I needed it.). This sent a call for help out across the cyber-universe that I wasn't sure would be heard.

Within minutes messages of hope and support started coming in. People, strangers to me, began responding and telling me I wasn't alone, that I was strong enough to get past this, that hope exists and I should find shelter in that hope.

This world can be a terrible place and we are reminded of that, bombarded with the images and stories of that fact daily, hourly.

But to me... a woman living alone in Ontario, Canada it is filled with people who have so much caring in them, that they are willing to perform a simple, pure act of kindness for someone they have no likelihood of meeting. I have thanked all of them and I have made efforts to pay this goodness forward. And I will continue to do so.

Always remember, your small acts of kindness most surely mean more to the recipient than you will ever know. I can tell you that for sure.