In the deep, long darkness

First off, and completely unrelated, I need a new chair for my desk. This one is remarkably uncomfortable and my poor butt begs me to remove it from this torture after very limited sessions. I guess on a positive note, that pretty much ensures that none of my blog posts will ever be very long. Unless I get a new chair. Don't worry, I'll give you the heads-up so you can prepare yourself.

Back on topic...

I have been living alone for two years now, separated after 18 years of marriage and separated from my children (it's ok... you can make whatever judgments about that fact that you would like... trust me, I've heard all of them). Alone. Prior to this two years, I last lived alone for three months immediately after high school and not at all since.

You can imagine this has been an adjustment.

There are days I think I have complete control of my life and there are days that I have to stand back from the fray, remove myself from my tornado of emotions to try to grab something to hold onto and not get ripped away, never to be seen again.

But it is at night that I am weakest. It is at night, when embraced by only silence and darkness that I find myself hearing and seeing the worst of my life replay before me. Mistakes. Missteps. Losses. Hurt.

It is a hard thing to shake those kinds of thoughts. To emerge from the darkness and try over and over to see only the light. I am working hard at that, especially lately.

I am grateful for the morning and I am, today especially, grateful for the promise of spring. Today, I shed my hose and trotted out to the world, bare legged and with hopes high. I drove with the sun-roof open. I smiled at strangers.

I am looking for the kindness and love that comes my way when least expected and I am trying hard to believe in the possibility of a still brighter day. I am trying to forgive myself my errors, learn from them and become a better person. I am reminding myself that time heals all wounds, or so I'm told.

And I am working towards a day that I can be alone in the deep, long darkness and be comforted by words, acts and thoughts of love.