I have been living alone for two years now (I know, I’ve told you this before but I live in the hope that someone new is visiting here all the time) and in that time I have gone through a process of growth and grieving (in no particular order). A new friend of mine likened it to when his father passed away and I believe him to be right… a separation, the ending of a relationship, especially one that has spanned many years (and this one lasted 18, which for me is really really long) is the death of a lot of things, not the least of which is a part of who you were.
No matter what kind of relationship we are talking about, be it parent/child, siblings, friends, lovers or partners I believe we are, when we are with that person, someone unlike who we are with others. I believe, especially in a particularly close relationship such as partner/spouse/lover, you can be someone who you dare not around others. For better or worse. And when that relationship ends, that part of you, that aspect of your being, has no place to be. So what to do?
I have been trying to adjust to this new reality and I have come to terms with one thing. I have accepted the possibility that I will spend the rest of my life alone. My children are grown and it is my blessing that they have each become strong, stable, kind, brave men who are venturing out on their own great adventures. I have no interest in dating… just the thought of it draws a reaction in me somewhere between goofy amusement at the ridiculousness of it and pure aversion to its possibility. It, quite simply, doesn’t feel right. Not even a little bit.
Now, don’t get me wrong… there are aspects of a long-lasting, committed relationship that I dearly miss; having someone to smile at you when you walk in the door at home at the end of your day, that moment of bliss on a weekend morning when you realize that you don’t need to get up to do anything and can instead roll back over into the warmth and support of the person beside you, having someone there… all the time… when you don’t need them just as much as when you do. I miss each of those things. And I would love nothing more to have them back but I can't go on day-to-day hoping for that wish to come true because if it doesn't, that is an enormous amount of wasted energy and a sad disappointment to face at the end of my days.
So my question is, how do you fill up the void? I have wonderful friends, amazing friends really. And I love each of them for their own unique qualities as well as for the qualities they bring out in me. But there remains that empty space that sits… quietly. Deafeningly quiet sometimes. How does one go about filling that up? Self-discovery and enrichment? Yes. Activity? Hobbies? Busy-ness? I guess so but I have to admit that seems a little shallow in comparison.
I guess, at this moment in time I’m just really not sure. And that’s ok too, I suppose. But if I figure it out, I’ll let you know.
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